We are struck down but not destroyed

It was a normal Thursday afternoon. I said goodbye to Tiffany as she left for the day, answered a couple of phone calls, joked around with my co-workers, and then settled down at my desk to finish out the last hour of the day. Within a moment my world changed…

     “Hey Kay, close your blinds, we’re in a lock down”, Kenda said.

Seattle Pacific University had gone through lock down drills many times before preparing for the horrible possibility of a shooter on campus, all the while hoping and praying that it would never happen to us. Although I knew this was an actual lock down, I wasn’t really concerned because I figured something was going on at the bank or the neighborhood 7-11, and of course, we would be safe. We closed the blinds, locked the doors, turned out the lights, and 9 of us found a spot to sit in Lori’s office, a small cubicle in the back corner of the room.

We joked around a bit, but very quickly we started realizing that this was serious, very serious…Another SPU alert text message buzzed on my phone…”Campus lock down remains in effect. Not a drill, active shooter…”  Our 9 phones were on silent but you could hear them buzzing every second, as different friends and family members checked in to see if we were ok. I got a voice mail from my mom. Several people posted messages on Facebook concerned for our safety.  I realized quickly that the outside world knew a lot more about what was going on than we did. We started checking the Internet. The scene on the corner of 3^rd and Nickerson was unbelievable - police, aid cars, stretchers, the FBI, the Mayor…swarms of first responders and officials everywhere.  

Our hearts raced as we learned that someone was actually intentionally shooting our people – I could barely take in the thought.

Someone came here to harm us…

News reports indicated that several people were shot and were being taken to Harborview. We didn’t know how many exactly, information was flying around and we kept hearing different things: there are two shooters, 8 people injured. It got scarier by the minute. We prayed together…we worried about our students and staff.  We worried that a shooter could be coming toward us. Time passed. Then we heard the news.
                 one person has died

We were heartbroken.

Ninety minutes after receiving the first lock down text alert we were released with the caution not to go near Otto Miller Hill. I left the dark cocoon of Lori’s office and walked outside to chaos. Helicopters circled overhead, police cars were everywhere.  I somehow found a way to leave campus maneuvering through street closures and yellow tape and avoided the scene. I felt like I was in a trance, in shock, but the horrible reality was starting to sink in. I called my husband to tell him I was on the way to pick him up, and when I heard his voice, I cried. I turned on the news in the car to try to figure out what actually happened. It was all so surreal. What, When, Who, How, and the biggest question of all…Why? I tried to put the pieces together.

Someone came to our campus with one motivation - to kill as many people as possible. He did kill one 19 year old student, Paul Lee. Two other students were injured and were being treated at Harborview. Had it not been for SPU senior, Jon Meis, the damage would have been so much worse. Jon took advantage of a moment while the gunman was reloading his weapon. He pepper sprayed the shooter, wrestled his gun away and locked it in a secure office nearby. He then returned to find that the shooter had pulled a knife. He again wrestled it away from him, then he and other students kept him immobile until police arrived. Thanks be to God for his heroic actions.
 

 

The days following the shooting blurred in a myriad of so many emotions - Grief, Faith, Fear, Anger, Comfort, and Pride. We prayed together, we debriefed, we worked, we cried, we cared for each other and comforted one another.

A professor prays with students

Superintendent Matt Whitehead, SPU President Dan Martin and Geoff Smith pray together.

We received support from so many people- flowers, emails, posters – it all made us feel loved and supported through the pain.

 

As I processed the tragedy, I tried to learn as much information as possible. I think my rational mind was trying to make sense of this irrational act. I read as much as I could, I watched the news. I even listened to the heartbreaking 911 recordings, but one night I came upon an article that I immediately regretted reading, the information in it so disturbing that it sickened me. I knew that the gunman had planned this attack, but after I read the specific details, I discovered how premeditated it really was. With malice and forethought he stopped taking his medication so he could ‘feel the hate’. He took a campus tour a couple weeks earlier. While helpful students and staff led him around campus, he plotted to kill. He picked ammunition that would cause as much damage as possible. On the morning of the shooting he wrote in his journal that he was excited to carry out his plan. After learning this information, I literally felt nauseous. I curled into a fetal position and I began to sob, sobs that racked my body. My husband heard me and came from the other room to find out what was wrong. He held me until the sobs subsided. I cannot even describe the emotions I felt. I just couldn’t fathom the evil, so much evil directed at us for no reason at all.

                       “I hate him, I hate him, I hate him”, I cried.

It was so personal to me. Seattle Pacific University has been a part of my life for 30 years. It was my first home away from home. It is my alma mater. I have worked here for 26 years. I made friends for a lifetime here - half of my Facebook friends are people that I have met through SPU. It is a very special place that is dear to my heart and is part of who I am.

In I Corinthians, Paul tells the believers “You are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it”. This is such powerful imagery, and it describes how I feel about the body of Christ that is at SPU. Through a violent, senseless act we lost 19-year old Paul Lee, and his family will never be the same. Sarah Williams and Thomas Fowler were seriously injured. Students and staff who witnessed it all were traumatized. It feels like something was ripped from our body. We all feel the pain, the grief and the trauma.

 When people ask me how I am doing in the wake of this tragedy, I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know how to describe what I feel because I feel so many things. “It’s hard” or “It’s been a rough week” doesn’t really begin to cover it.




Nonetheless, we will not be lost in this desolate place.  This act of violence has deeply wounded us, but it will not define us. We will come out of this stronger and closer than we were before.

 

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”    2 Corinthians 4:6-9

The students of Ashton Hall, the dorm Paul Lee lived in, show their love for him and support for each other

      
         We call on God to comfort us, to heal us and to help us forgive.